And again I fall on my knees...

I stopped writing here when things became so overwhelming that all I could do was cling to God's love for me and hang on. John, my husband 'son' had his surgery, has denied chemotherapy and continues to function at a fair level. Although, he is getting weaker.

My only hope and comfort is that I know that I am where God wants me to be. It's not easy, but learning to wear that task in my own skin has become easier. My summer was thankfully peaceful, prayerful and quiet. But with the loss of the light comes the dark times of my soul once again. And I struggle with an un named fear as we move towards the inevitable outcome of this disease and situation.

Learning to live without having much control in one's day today life is a true excercise in trust. It continues to be a roller coaster. Everyday struggles with the NHS, doctors, health visitors, and John become exhausting.

The good things in my life are the dogs, my on line friends and my neighbors here. John continues to hold fast to his belief that there is nothing after death, and there is no God. Having him remember and recall his days in the hospital as something totally different to what happened is a sharp pain to me. Being told that his boss was at his bedside more than me was a great shock to my ego.

Learning that God does give us more than we can bear.. but Does give us the comfort we need has been an amazing lesson in Grace.

AND I have become God's Nag.. I pray, I nag and I appeal daily to my Lord and the Spirit to give me the grace to care for this person whom part of me still loves and I know that in his Asperger's Autustic way depends on and loves me.

Well, I will try to be more faithful to my blog again. Perhaps there is someone out there that reads and this will help.

Pax Christi