The still small voice.... gets louder

I look back on my" a bit peeved post" with ultimate embarrassment.. for being so egocentric and well, spoiled. But, I think, that the lesson there was to be authentic with what I felt. Own it, and ultimately ask for help with it. AND rest and trust in that space between me and God called Grace.

You see my phrase 'I want to be comforted' was and is short hand. I was blessed in my younger years with a faith that really allowed me to hear and feel God at times. To Feel and Know the Grace and Light that is God in a sublimely mystical way. And somehow in my managing my own affairs, I lost that. Coming back now to a place of longing for God, I was only given, I only had the knowing. Not the Feeling and hearing that Still Small Voice. And I was head blind, and lonely. It took me and takes me alot of discipline to 'show up' for my devotions and wait. Being bed bound 20 hours a day didn't help. That's alot of time to think. As much as I disdain navel gazing.. I spent alot of time in the self indulgent practice of it over the last 4 weeks.

I can be my own worst critic..shaming myself on a regular basis, I am really very good at pointing a finger at me. That is all a very ego centric practice you know? It assumes that I have control over much of the world and the events that surround me. And I am not releasing the process nor the outcomes to my Lord, Saviour and Giver of Grace. It's like being a two year old spiritual infant I think.. (oops I am finger pointing rather than just owning.)

I have been job seeking back in the USA for about 6 months now. And as we all know its a crisis for you all over there as well as here. I have a wonderful job here in many ways but it does not feed my soul. All of my working life, for the most part, until I moved to the UK I worked for religious organisations. My jobs here have been with secular organisations.. and I just have no heart for it. Well meaning and valuable as they are, I can not find with in me the vigor nor enthusiasm to ask and seek funds for these groups. I am not happy with my work. I have prayed for months now for direction and guidance.

It didn't help that, in the beginning of my job search a job was presented to me that in my mind was perfect in all aspects. A school of Theology, the right salary and an offer of housing for three months.. perfect. The interviews went well, we did the money talk and then I returned home and waited. I praised God, I was on my knees in thanks. Then, two weeks later, a brief email came to me. The job offer was not made, and they had 'decided to go in a different direction'. I was stunned. How could God present me with such a perfect opportunity and then snatch it away? All through the process until that email, my one prayer was if this is your will God, please make it so' After my round of grief and disappointment.. I remembered my prayer. I had asked, this was the response.. and I had to accept it. Like it or not. And I did accept it. It hurt, I felt at first, betrayed and abandoned once again.

You are wondering what on earth does this have to do with my still small voice and lack there of? Well there is a point to all of this. Last week, a friend sent me a link to a newspaper article. One of the major contributing religious organisations to the School of Theology had filed for Chapter 11. Not that I take comfort in their troubles, I don't. In fact I pray for them daily, but I can see some of why perhaps they did change directions and why, now, I am not there. AND it wasn't about me. (that's an infant response).

So back now to me looking for work, asking for direction, getting sick and being forced to lay in bed, my great friend the black dog of depression at my side keeping my feet warm and my heart cold. I decided to 'show up' by sending my CV to anybody who looked likely, and fit my general criteria and that I was qualified for. I had no response from anybody. I think that this is mainly because in this financial crisis why pay for some one to fly to the USA for an interview? On some, I even offered to pay for my flight (God knows how I can do that). But no one responded except for a few thank you for your application we will be back with you.

Well, finally, someone has responded. A group that, when I did my full investigation, moved me and gave me goose bumps, and when watching a video about them, I felt God and I heard the still small voice again. That, in itself is significant. I could see what I could do for them, what I could bring, and what they could give to me. I could grasp their mission, values and core beliefs with both hands and say 'YES'.

Will I get a full interview? Dunno Is this job meant for me.. well I think so but it is up to God. The point is.. not any of this. But rather, that the still small voice, that glorious feeling of forgiveness and Grace became apparent and I 'felt' it. Call it a renewal experience if you will, but I cherish it and Thank God for just being God and being there and here, back in my heart.

Sometimes the only prayer is to ask to desire to pray. Sometimes just showing up is all I can do. But, I do know, and feel and believe that God is there and here with me. Asking me to step up, Grow up, and be a partner and participant in the Glory and Grace that is planned for us all.

OM International is the group.. here is their link. Have a look, I find them exciting, relevant and ethical. Non denominational, authentic and Grace filled, true to God's Word.