And Sings My Soul.. Welcome to the Show that never ends

A f(F)riend of mine asked if I blogged about spiritual matters. I said.. I don't.. no. I have a blog.. its about my adventures in Second Life and about me but never about things of the spirit. But, I have developed a Bubble if you will.. and indwelling bulge in my heart that appears to want out.. so.. out it comes in its own blog.. an exploration of my relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. What makes me turn my back.. and made me turn my back and walk away after a life time of 'Christian Belief' and what is turning me.. 45% around and walking me again towards a Truth that 'is a light in an ocean of darkness' and back to a message that I have known since childhood: 'There is only one who can answer unto my condition, and that is Christ Jesus.'(George Fox).

So put on your hat and come with me as I explore my relationship, hopeful reconciliation, and wanted renewal in Christ Jesus.

23 January 2009

23 Jan 2009

Last night I cried myself to sleep again feeling so lonely and alone. Wanting to be loved and love. To be in a relationship with some one who cherishes me, adores me.. and loves me. Last night I prayed again.. Please God send this to me. For it is all I have ever wanted. truly wanted.

I cried into my tear soaked pillow.. 'Please God Show me the way.. send me a sign.' (I hate it when I do that) and then the day began to unfold once again .. I have my great sadness.. it has its own capital letters and a home in my home.(talk about the black dog can be found here: http://soleilsnook.livejournal.com/) It sits with me.. and I looked at it.. and the truth that has been bubbling up in me for a few days bubbled again. And.. I took note.. and went on with my day. But one thing led me to another, and as, I was explaining to a friend.. about this new acquaintance I have been making with my God. How I am learning.. that I was created solely to live in a relationship with God, to be loved by God, the sheer exercise of trying to sound articulate and cogent .. led me to the greatest truth.. again.. I was created to be loved by God.

To me this is such a different twist.. I can not describe what the phrase.. Created to be loved by God.. means to me.. only that it turned all my intentions and inventions on their ear. I am not a neophyte into the Evangelical Christian world.. I have been raised.. loved and wounded in that church.. I have explored New Age thought, I have been loved and wounded in that church... I have explored worked and learned of other religions, I am a seeker.. but never have I found a truth, a phrase, that rung out so clearly to me as.. I was created to be loved by God and all that matters is the relationship that I develop with my Creator as I am loved. All that matters is the relationship.. which I have danced with so badly at times.. with Jesus.. I have thrown my whole heart at Jesus.. my will and love and faith at times.. and been wounded beyond belief... I have circled Jesus.. ranted raved and cursed the Son.. slammed my fist against my Father.. in deep despair and finally walked out for good for 20 years.

Now.. I am a woman who has been Married 3 times.. always in good faith.. always with my whole heart.. always to be wounded. I sit here today.. in a cold and freezing room.. married yet not married to the third.. and still I long to be loved. It is dawning on me.. I only need work on getting one good relationship right.. that of my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy spirit. That true relationship, of honesty, forthrightness, and total commitment.. till death us do part. Because I was Created.. to be loved by God.

This is no trite phrase.. this is no 'god didn't make junk' sound bite. this is profound offset 10degrees shake up of my world .. .. 'I was created to be loved'.

For me what this simple phrase does.. is nothing short of miraculous. It frees me from of living with an underlying volume of shame so deep and loud that it constantly threatens any sense of sanity, of dreams not only destroyed but obliterated by personal failure, of hope so tenuous that only suicide seemed at times to offer a solution.

Is this going to be easy? 'Oh hell no.. my experience tells me that it isn't. Is this going to be fun? Well I doubt it. But I believe with all my heart.. that it is the way.. to finding that Joy and feeling of belonging.. of being cherished.. that I have sought since I was five and stood and looked out at the night sky and knew that someone was waiting for me, looking for me.. wanting me. And all the time.. it was The ONE I have known.. since birth.. and didn't recognise.. My Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit.. ****

Welcome to the Show that never ended..

Janny

My deep and heartfelt thanks to William Paul Young author of The Shack.. And to Mary Sue Evers, Pastor at UCC Aloha, OR , Mary Lee Planer .. friend.. sister and spiritual mentor and Scot Headley, my F(f)riend. AND most of all my deepest gratitude to OL for long nights of deep disscussion of these things. And a small conversation that led me back to Home.